I Am Because We Are
The Chanukah candles almost set the bride on fire. The dusk filled room clouded with apprehension as light flickered from behind her curvy shadow. The audience of family, friends, and students waited and watched as, in her ivory veil and floor-length tunic, she reset candle after candle and they were delivered by her soon-to-be husband, son and family, into the now wobbling menorah. While we worried she turned cheerfully and said, "Get a look of the menorah because this is the last chance. I don't want to set myself on fire on my wedding day. Anyone have any ideas?" At that, we all laughed with her joyously, the thought *’how is this marriage going to work if they can't even get the candles to stick?’ disappearing into her gleeful acceptance of reality and happy plea to her community for help when she knew she needed it.
In less than two seconds our band of family and friends had formed around the toppling candles. Facing the wreath of shoulders bent intently on their task, the couple stood in front of the room and glowed. The bride said, "We can't do anything alone; none of us can. We are so happy to have you all here with us on this day." The mini army of candle stickers broke form and revealed a tilted but radiant menorah. Tall flames, betted by a slight breeze in the front of the sanctuary, burnt furiously and stayed lit well after the ceremony ended. Later, we took a moment of silence and allowed the only light in the room to focus our attention, thoughts, prayers and hopes for the couple, ourselves, the community, and the world.
Later, thinking about their relationship, I realized that Lucille had said it perfectly: "we can't do anything alone." I also realized that this awareness is slowly becoming more prevalent in our society. US culture dictates independence – so we have a tendency to believe that if we haven’t done something on our own, then we haven't really done it. As a nation we are individualist by nature and dogmatic in our approach to solving problems, taking care of business and doing whatever it takes to get ahead. But suddenly, as the global economy has shifted and continues to slide, we have found ourselves increasingly pausing to consider our individual situations. Sharing resources and relying on family, friends and neighbors, has stopped being a sign of weakness and has jumped to the other side of the emotional balance sheet, becoming an asset. As social networks and connections become delineated and more granular, who we know and how we are related to them has shifted to the forefront of our priorities.
With the past two generations, young people were bonded by wars and/or events that at least encouraged individuals and families to contemplate their values and stand up for them. In the past few decades however, our generation has grown up with computers and advanced technology which have made it easier to communicate while simultaneously creating a pervading need for instant gratification. The traditional bonds of nuclear family and life-long friendships have become harder to maintain, as young professionals choose their future homes and where to settle based on amenities as simple as the weather or opportunities to do alternative sports. We now have the fortune to change our lives every year on a whim or travel for fun just because we "have to get away."
But despite this fortune, we live in a different emotional landscape and as our economy and climate continue to change with unfettered velocity, the need for family, friends and community deepens. The pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and our generation is starting to invest more building a strong pool of relationships, from which we draw inspiration, strength, support, professional references and ultimately, a reflection of ourselves. We need others to know who we are.
There is a newfound acceptance of the necessity for collaboration to solve the daunting problems that will challenge us now and throughout the next century. Those words from my friend Lucille, remind us all that none of us are alone in this world – not when it comes to lighting ceremonial candles to illuminate our most private moments – and not when it will come to healing the planet and making it safe and comfortable for everyone.
