ideas without borders: I Drink Your Milkshake
“All of man’s life among his kind is nothing other than a battle to seize the ear of others.”
-- ‘The Book of Laughter and Forgetting’, Milan Kundera
One of my earliest and clearest memories is of truly believing that if I willed it with every fiber of my being, I could become capable of telekinesis. With intense concentration for hours on end, I would close my eyes and imagine that the earth had stopped spinning and that stars were re-aligning while the universe hastily re-configured itself to adapt to whatever change my mind had commanded. Admittedly it was a bit much to ask for desires on the scale of finding matching ribbons, but I understood that it was probably wise to crawl before I walked.
As I grew up, the niggling feeling that I could change things around me by sheer force of will, never went away. Acknowledging this secret (dormant) omnipotence buoyed my hopes going into the multitude of trials endured in early life – and then nursed my battered spirit back to health when those hopes were dashed. If something I’d wished (or willed) for actually came off though, then my special power had made it happen – and I could live to brave another day, safe in the knowledge that I was protected from ever becoming an average member of society.
Decades later my self (inflated) esteem persists – but I have learned that I can vastly improve the odds of effecting a desired change in the configuration of the universe, by employing a host of softer skills between the thought and the happening. These invaluable tactics include listening, agreement, discretion, enthusiastic attendance at events of little personal importance and countless sporadic acts of kindness. These actions seemed somewhat counter-intuitive at first, but having tried them out for a good decade or so, I can now testify (and be seconded by a surprising number of new-found friends) that they work.
In essence, I have learned to view life as less like a game of mental magnets and more like an elaborate system of social cogs, where a desired outcome amounts to a sequence of rotations, each based on the capability and willingness to help of someone I may or may not know yet. So generating desired outcomes on a regular basis depends on not only knowing people with diverse capabilities, but also getting them all to like me. From deluded to downright crafty you’re thinking (mortified). Well… yes, I suppose few people are willing to admit that they strategize their social interactions; but playing the cog challenge game has brought more happiness, achievements and yes, friends into my life, than my mother could ever have hoped for. Bung a deadline in and the exercise of converting a wish or idea into an event, becomes even more enjoyable. The Krypton Factor was my favorite television program as a child. I need say no more.
Power then, in this context, is all about influence and persuasion – both absolutely filthy words in our cultural lexicon, so let’s switch them for guidance and charm, the point being that you are tapping into the power of others. At its most potent, power isn’t about exerting brute strength to hit a problematic nail on the head all by yourself – it’s having the curiosity and charisma to forge and maintain friendships with others from many different walks of life, which brings an infinite number of nails within hitting distance. Social power is the key to changing the world around us, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with money or authority – a point made far more elegantly by Malcom Gladwell in his profile of one of my idols, Lois Weisberg:
Lois knows lots of people because she likes lots of people. And all those people Lois knows and likes invariably like her, too, because there is nothing more irresistible to a human being than to be unqualifiedly liked by another.
Over-simplified, this sounds like making things happen is just about collecting a ton of friends and then asking them all for favors, but strategic considerations remain; when tapping into other people’s power, an important thing to remember is that the role of any one friend should ideally be not only minimal but in line with their natural inclinations or routines. The Chinese phrase Wu Wei literally means "action that does not involve struggle or excessive effort" – a great parallel to the cog system analogy, as small, seemingly insignificant actions by many individuals, can build on each other to generate a massive change in the end (i.e. your desired outcome).
We all have cog systems or “spheres of influence” – this diagram shows how they develop naturally:
Image: Flickr.com/ChrisHeuer
Everyone you know and meet can become a closer friend, acquaintance or ally, you have only to show that you care about them beyond the frame of what they can do for you. This is also a very important (strategic) point that marks the difference between a friendly connector and a serial user – when you go to call or email someone with a favor to ask, have a think about the last two or three times you contacted them and if the reason was the same, then think a little bit harder. No one wants to feel like you only want to be friends with them for your own personal gain – unless the sentiment is completely mutual, in which case go ahead and make that call. If it isn’t though, ask them out for a friendly catch up drink instead and call someone else with the favor request.
The flattening of the earth via globalization and technology, heightens this power, as it is now possible to make new contacts around the world, at the speed of a click. Many have voiced a strong dislike for the inherent weakness of online connections – not as effective as face to face correspondence, they say – should never be depended on when it matters, they say – but Gladwell again explains better than I can, that this is not the case:
Granovetter argues that when it comes to finding out about new jobs -- or, for that matter, gaining new information, or looking for new ideas -- weak ties tend to be more important than strong ties. Your friends, after all, occupy the same world that you do… How much, then, do they know that you don't know? Mere acquaintances, on the other hand, are much more likely to know something that you don't. To capture this apparent paradox, Granovetter coined a marvelous phrase: "the strength of weak ties."
Turning the cogs to generate a desired outcome can be as easy as asking two very simple questions. First you need to understand and gauge the dynamics of the status quo, so ask “WHY?” It’s an innocent question that makes people who consider themselves in the know, feel important – and the answer will give you a sense of how easy it will be to change things in your favor. Next, introduce your idea – and as it involves changing the status quo, you will almost certainly meet with resistance, to which you should ask, “WHY NOT?” – a less innocent question perhaps, but hopefully one that will provoke thought, stimulate debate and ultimately bring about the changes necessary to see your idea alive and well.
We’re encouraged as children to wish on stars for the things we want and told that a fairy godmother or some other fictional character will alter the universe to make it happen. My childhood wish for telekinetic power was naïve but pragmatic, for it was based on the understanding that one way or another, it is up to us to make our own wishes come true - we have only to make them known and to make nice with everyone we meet, just in case.
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Have you considered writing a friendship self-help book for all the cogs out there? Perhaps the platonic equivalent of "The Rules" by Fein & Schneider...